my guide to Hindi.

one south Indians guide to true Hindi. What the fu*K? it’s the first time ive ever stayed in the north for a time period where I have to actually use my fu*king Hindi skills.  And my skills with this wonderful but strange language is not as good as u think it is, in fact I don’t even think you can fu*king call it a skill, it’s more of a scene! Let me illustrate, growing up in the south, you pick up the southern languages almost instantly but man this fu*king Hindi was a pain in the ass! I hail from Bangalore, and because of the fu*king I.T explosion Hindi is fast becoming a trend! Everybody from shop keepers to fu*king auto drivers talk to you in this strange language.  Im going to first give a slim look into my glossary of Hindi words! First “isliyae”. Im not joking but I fu*king thought this word was a swear! You can’t fu*king blame me.. it has that swear word ring! Listen to this. “ aye fu*ker! Islyae ch*th!” now doesn’t that sound right?( see.. I fu*king told you!). “muhh”( mouth?)  Well I thought this meant like hair or something like that! Yea, I know you must be like what the fu*k?! but im south indian man! Can you imagine me telling an auto driver (“walla” hindi style!) , “apka muhh bahoot achha hai!”(not knowing what that meant!) and he looked at me and replied “apka bi!” and smiled! I smiled, he smiled harder..  he said something else in hindi.. it had words like “aank(eyes) something something something ki something hai!”  I didn’t fu*king understand shit! So I smiled and said thank you! I didn’t fu*king know, I just flirted with a fu*king auto walla! What the fu*k? “taati”(shit!), you've all heard of thalis(meals)! Well I thought thati was like northie slang in hindi for thali! How the fu*k should I know? So I just saw the wagh border thing and I was amazed by how one act would create so much patriotism! Jobless mother fu*kers! Opening and closing gates! Anyway saw that, and decided to eat a yummy north indian meal! So went to this really classic dhabba like thing, sat down and the waiter came up and asked for my order, I said “ bhaiya,(pause to show intellect) aek(one) north indian taati!”  He looked at me dazed, confused and slightly demented; i looked at him for a reply, “taati?” I said “ha bhaiya  aek north indian taati! You can imagine what happened next. It was a scene!   What the fu*k im south indian man!! That was just some of the small words that I got confused with, hindi swear words are the ones that I just can’t get me fu*king tongue around man! “mader ch*th” (mother fu*ker)! Man o man! This one was a scene! Well you know in English mother fu*ker isn’t such a big deal right? We throw the fu8king word around like no one else’s business! You mother fu*ker that…! And waddup mother fu*ker! So I thought the same fu*king principle works in hindi! Ohhh fu*k it doesn’t! When I first got here.. I was so used to saying mader ch*th, I used to use it left, right and center!! Ohhh fu*k these northies take their "mother fu*ker" seriously man! Note to self and southies: mother fu*ker aint cool! Especially if you are a southie!  “dharu”(alcohol) okay now this is going to get weird! I thought dharu meant sperm or semen, the first time I entered my room, my roommates asked me “ kya? Aap dharu peethe?” I gave him a weird fu*king look(insulted!) thinking these north Indians are quite direct! Why would they ask me if I drink sperm! And then the sae night they ask me “are you coming? Hum dharu peene kae liye ja raha hu!”  and im sitting there thinking what the fu*k?! What a bunch of gay guys, sperm drinking?what?!! are you fucking serious? Well im a south Indian biatch !dont get shit in hindi! Im a south Indian. What the fu*k!?  We find your hindi hard! But we have our own version of it! That’s how I roll!  mader ch*th! What the fu*K? i think i should sleep now! the old monks are having a party in my brain!

  

Indian Men.

Indian men. Yes we are Indian men. What the fu*k!  we may spit on roads, we’re just fu*king giving it colour! Red is the future on every corner! We believe that urinating in public is a fu*king blessing! Why else would god give us a quick release instrument!  We are made in such a way that our egos can never be damaged! And each one of us have a huge fu*king one! Buts that’s just how Indian men are! What the fu*k!?

We come in various colours and various sizes! (not that one! Unfortunately not blessed there!)  But what the fu*k!? , we believe that when we drive the road is ours and no one else’s! That’s how we roll! We believe that if we talk in an accent we sound cooler, that’s why we love working in call centres!? Fu*k that!  We can’t speak for nuts! Making a full sentence is equal to fu*king winning a Nobel prize!(so rare!) we stare, its only cause we are Indian men! What the fu*k!?

We may not understand the concept of politics! But fu*k that, we do it our way! Bribe bitches! We suck at sports, dude! We are fu*king Indian men!  We feel, the bigger the phone we have, it shows everybody what a fu*king big person we are!( I’ve told you already, we haven’t been blessed in that area!). we love money, it’s not our fu*king problem, you girls do get expensive  and we need our  fu*king alcohol! Yes! We can’t remember your birthdays! It’s not cause we forget, we just fu*king don’t know whose it is! Because we are Indian men. What the fu*k!?

We are very competitive and not professionally but fu*king sexually, we believe in quantity and not quality, hence, the fu*king reason for India being an unsatisfied nation! Fu*k that! Have you seen the number of men,? Something is fu*king wrong somewhere!  We are fu*king hairy! In fact we shed hair! So what? Even fu*king dogs do, but they are cute>? What the fu*k?  We might say “be my frand” on Facebook! But at least we fu*king take the first step to make “frandship”! That’s because we are cool, we are Indian men! What the fu*k!?

We can’t salsa or jive or do any of the fu*king fancy dances! Waving hands is the closest we fu*king get to dancing! But what the fu*k?  we are Indian men. We can’t fu*king handle a relationship, we are quite a special bunch, Indian men! Even with all the fu*king things you hate about us, u will (might! Hope!)  end up with a fu*king Indian man! You might dream of an American, romance with a n European! But all you will ever get is a fu*king flawed Indian man!

double meaning jokes.?

Double meaning jokes. What the fu*k..? I know quite a stupid topic to blog about..( yea, “very stupid” echoes in my head.), but the truth is Indians love to make every possible sentence a joke, not just any joke but a true proper perverts joke, for example, “it came”  simple, to the point and means something arrived (laughing).. I’m sitting in class and waiting for a text to come through.., it does and with all the joy and excitement ( boys know that excitement when some hot girl messages you rite?)  so It just happened that I yelled “it came”. Silence..  heads turning.. looking, staring (few of them, rite in the front. Laughing!) I look at the lecturer and she’s looking at me like I used a swear word. I just freaking said “it came”  yea I know , I know! But still.. just out of context no one is going to scream they ejaculated! And the last person who should get the joke, is the lecturer.!  Spontaneous people seem to have the nack of making everything u say sound perverted.  Those guys can make the most innocent things sound dirty even if it fu*cking has no relation! For eg” I drove that car”… they go like.. “oohhhh!! U drooove that cAARRR!” what the fu*k?! it was a car, and and I drove it, not drooove it! double meaning  jokes are funny! But making every fu*king thing a joke is not a scene! We Indians just don’t get the concept of these jokes.! We seem to crack these jokes at all the wrong places too. Fu*k, I remember this one time, I was caught in school for staring at girls (don’t even fu*king ask!) a friend of mine and i! so it wasn’t only me!  So we’re taken to the principal’s office, were standing there while that fool is on the phone and he says something like, “ hold it, I want it”. My friend looks at me ( his face all puffed up! And ready to burst out laughing! Tears.. shaking like a biatch!)  nudges me, we are in the fu*king principal’s office for “staring at so some stupid girls” and he wants me to laugh? What the fu*k?!( p.s I did laugh!)  I think the reason behind our perverseness  is because our entire sub-continent is shaped like one big penis( too graphic?)!  And maybe in a few perspectives like a u know!  Everybody just loves the idea of sex jokes! Not just the direct ones but even the double meaning ones! I’m proud to be Indian! (prouder to be double joke maker!) but seriously.. do you think that’s why the other developed fu*kers don’t take us seriously?  We have some of the greatest minds on the planet at the same time we get our cases taken on television all the time! Its like we are the “funny Indian guy” ( girl, boy it doesn’t matter. Just “ funny Indian guy”.) I think we should be considered to be funny but also the perverted funny guy! U know! We are the people who crack double meaning jokes even at funerals, weddings, naming ceremonies and every other Indian thing we Indians do!( given a chance…!), these developed fu*kers  cant even make a proper ‘your mamma joke! If we learn to control our double meaning abilities! Become powerful assets! ( I know, im thinking… hmmhmm assssetttsssss!! Double meaning fu*ckers that we are!).