my guide to Hindi.

one south Indians guide to true Hindi. What the fu*K? it’s the first time ive ever stayed in the north for a time period where I have to actually use my fu*king Hindi skills.  And my skills with this wonderful but strange language is not as good as u think it is, in fact I don’t even think you can fu*king call it a skill, it’s more of a scene! Let me illustrate, growing up in the south, you pick up the southern languages almost instantly but man this fu*king Hindi was a pain in the ass! I hail from Bangalore, and because of the fu*king I.T explosion Hindi is fast becoming a trend! Everybody from shop keepers to fu*king auto drivers talk to you in this strange language.  Im going to first give a slim look into my glossary of Hindi words! First “isliyae”. Im not joking but I fu*king thought this word was a swear! You can’t fu*king blame me.. it has that swear word ring! Listen to this. “ aye fu*ker! Islyae ch*th!” now doesn’t that sound right?( see.. I fu*king told you!). “muhh”( mouth?)  Well I thought this meant like hair or something like that! Yea, I know you must be like what the fu*k?! but im south indian man! Can you imagine me telling an auto driver (“walla” hindi style!) , “apka muhh bahoot achha hai!”(not knowing what that meant!) and he looked at me and replied “apka bi!” and smiled! I smiled, he smiled harder..  he said something else in hindi.. it had words like “aank(eyes) something something something ki something hai!”  I didn’t fu*king understand shit! So I smiled and said thank you! I didn’t fu*king know, I just flirted with a fu*king auto walla! What the fu*k? “taati”(shit!), you've all heard of thalis(meals)! Well I thought thati was like northie slang in hindi for thali! How the fu*k should I know? So I just saw the wagh border thing and I was amazed by how one act would create so much patriotism! Jobless mother fu*kers! Opening and closing gates! Anyway saw that, and decided to eat a yummy north indian meal! So went to this really classic dhabba like thing, sat down and the waiter came up and asked for my order, I said “ bhaiya,(pause to show intellect) aek(one) north indian taati!”  He looked at me dazed, confused and slightly demented; i looked at him for a reply, “taati?” I said “ha bhaiya  aek north indian taati! You can imagine what happened next. It was a scene!   What the fu*k im south indian man!! That was just some of the small words that I got confused with, hindi swear words are the ones that I just can’t get me fu*king tongue around man! “mader ch*th” (mother fu*ker)! Man o man! This one was a scene! Well you know in English mother fu*ker isn’t such a big deal right? We throw the fu8king word around like no one else’s business! You mother fu*ker that…! And waddup mother fu*ker! So I thought the same fu*king principle works in hindi! Ohhh fu*k it doesn’t! When I first got here.. I was so used to saying mader ch*th, I used to use it left, right and center!! Ohhh fu*k these northies take their "mother fu*ker" seriously man! Note to self and southies: mother fu*ker aint cool! Especially if you are a southie!  “dharu”(alcohol) okay now this is going to get weird! I thought dharu meant sperm or semen, the first time I entered my room, my roommates asked me “ kya? Aap dharu peethe?” I gave him a weird fu*king look(insulted!) thinking these north Indians are quite direct! Why would they ask me if I drink sperm! And then the sae night they ask me “are you coming? Hum dharu peene kae liye ja raha hu!”  and im sitting there thinking what the fu*k?! What a bunch of gay guys, sperm drinking?what?!! are you fucking serious? Well im a south Indian biatch !dont get shit in hindi! Im a south Indian. What the fu*k!?  We find your hindi hard! But we have our own version of it! That’s how I roll!  mader ch*th! What the fu*K? i think i should sleep now! the old monks are having a party in my brain!